Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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