So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
How naked do you want me to be?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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