remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
