my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
