I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
