I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
