You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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