Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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