It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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