Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
