Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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