After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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