Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
