i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
