Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
