You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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