Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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