You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
