My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
