I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
