it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize