My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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