I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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