I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
