Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
