plz talk dirty to me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
