she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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