He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How's work?
Spinning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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