Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
