Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
