I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
