I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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