the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
