the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
