I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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