we're chasing vodka with high fives
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
