yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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