i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
