Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
