Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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