I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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