Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
