So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize