He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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