you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
