FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
