you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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