She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
