I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
