mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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