the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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