i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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