Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
