Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
