I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
