it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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