I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
