Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
