Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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