You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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