It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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