I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
