omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
